I Am a Writer

As a child, I wanted to be a writer. I took that dream all the way into a semester of grad school before I quit and went into tech. It has now been as long since I quit as I had aspired to be a writer.

I knew I was likely never going to write fiction again, but there was always an itch to write something. I attempted to start a technical blog a few times, but I felt that I lacked the deep technical knowledge to produce content that would be worth reading.

So, I didn’t write.

I ignored that itch and focused on becoming a better software engineer. There were financial motives to do so, but I put too much stake into it; I had tied my identity to being an engineer. I decided I may one day write, but it would be to share that deep technical knowledge — not my writing.

As the years passed, my writing got worse. At first, I didn’t notice much. Then, I noticed, all at once. It felt bad going over a piece of documentation or RFC¹ I had written and seeing how bad they were. It felt worse to read back longer messages I had sent to coworkers or friends and notice that it affected the way I communicated.

And I never did feel like I gained enough knowledge to write anything interesting.

Now that itch is searing.

A couple of factors amplify this now. Burnout from tech, rise of AI, new hobbies, career change, nostalgia, etc.

But, above all, it’s because I am a writer.

Not a good one. Not yet (and maybe never). I decided that I can no longer hide behind the excuse of not having anything worth writing about. I want to write, so I should.

As I’ve said, this isn’t my first attempt to blog. I may quit again. While I do this, I will try not to stress about the quality of the content or becoming a great writer. Those will be my goals, but it’s important that I don’t deter myself on account of slow or stalled progress.

Something I will likely write a lot about will be jiujitsu. I started the sport about two years ago. I went into it with two goals: have fun and get a workout. I had no expectation of getting good; it wasn’t important. I got on the mat every day and competed frequently because I enjoyed it. The persistence bore fruit. Day to day, progress felt stagnant, but one day I woke up and found myself better at this sport than I thought I’d ever be when I first started. I am no maestro; I am not a professional. However, I got to a point where I train and compete with more intention and aspiration.

I’m going to try having the same attitude with my writing. I hope to get better. One day, I hope to reignite my childhood aspirations. For now, I’m going to try having fun writing again.