I Am a Writer
As a child, I wanted to be a writer. I took that dream all the way into a semester of grad school before I quit and went into tech. It has now been as long since I quit as I had aspired to be a writer.
I knew I was likely never going to write fiction, again, but there was always an itch to write something. I attempted to start a technical blog a few times but I felt that I lacked the deep technical knowledge to produce content that would be worth reading.
So, I didn’t write.
I ignored that itch and focused on becoming a better software engineer. There was financial motive to do so, but I put too much stake into it; I had tied my identity to being an engineer. I decided I may one day write, but it would be to share that deep technical knowledge - not my writing.
As the years passed, my writing got worse. At first, I didn’t notice much. Then, I noticed, all at once. It felt bad going over a piece of documentation or RFC1 I had written and seeing how bad they were. It felt worse to read back longer messages I had sent to coworkers or friends and notice that it affected the way I communicated.
And I never did feel like I gained enough knowledge to write anything interesting.
Now that itch is searing.
Couple of factors amplify this, now - burn out from tech, rise of AI, new hobbies, career change, nostalgia, etc.
But, above all, it’s because I’m a writer.
Not a good one - not yet (and maybe never). I decided that I can no longer hide behind the excuse of not having anything worth writing about. I want to write so I should.
As I’ve said, this isn’t my first attempt to blog. I may quit, again. While I do this, I will try not to stress about the quality of the content or becoming a great writer. Those will be my goals, but it’s important that I don’t deter myself on account of slow or stalled progress.
Something I will likely write a lot about will be jiujitsu. I started the sport about two years ago. I went into it with two goals: have fun and get a workout. From the beginning, I had no expectation or interest in becoming good. I showed up every day because I liked it, and it kept me in shape. I’m far from great but I am better at it than I thought I would ever be. I compete. I’ve won major tournaments. I briefly held the #1 rank in my division in the world. I’m not going pro but I got to a point where I can train with more intention and more aspiration.
I’m going to try having the same attitude with my writing. I hope to get better. One day, I hope to reignite my childhood aspirations. For now, I’m going to try just having fun writing again.